Happy 10 years my sweet love. It’s hard, you know? Really hard. I don’t remember who I am without you with me and to be honest I don’t want to. I guess its something I’m forced to learn now. This was a big week for me, two months since you’ve been gone and now the day we couldn’t wait to celebrate is here. There’s so much I want to tell you, to show you, to experience with you. Every day it’s something new; a joke I heard, a new episode of our favorite shows, the new classic hip-hop radio station (which you would have been obsessed with by the way), or the latest family drama. I want to share it all with you.
It’s hard because I feel my emotions slowly seeping back into my being. When you were sick it was easy. There was so much to do. I had so much to focus on that nothing else mattered. When you passed I was so numb I that I was fine then too. The numbness put me straight into autopilot allowing me to glide through all the social events that I didn’t want to attend. When the feelings tried to return I ran away. I saw places. I did things. I kept myself distracted. But now? Now is different. Now its time to live “regular” life again, but the truth is I just don’t know what that is without you. I’m learning. I always wonder what you would do or what you would tell me to get through the days, the hours, life.
I miss everything about you. I miss you holding me at night, your sweet texts, that dimple, you keeping me in line, having you pick me up when I’m down, and really my list could be endless. I miss that you’re not here to teach me something new each day. You didn’t teach me enough life lessons before you left. To me, you knew everything and I loved it. I miss not having a protector by side. I jump every time the house makes a noise. Everything felt so safe with you, babe. Life felt so safe.
I know that while I may not get to experience a tangible life with you now, you’re still me. I can feel your love and your presence. I see you visit me in my dreams. And while I may not be able to celebrate our 10 years with you I want to thank you for my gift. Today I have FINALLY found my external hard drive that holds my life’s history. Every past photo, video, homework assignment, digital artwork, and photo shoot lives within that box. Where did I find it after nearly 3 months of extensive searching? Down in the arm, under the cushion of your favorite chair. I cried instantly. I’ll just assume that you put it there knowing I would need a pick-me-up today. It worked.
I’ll love you forever. I’ll love you for always.